Ten: I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of posting this

As I'm sitting here writing a post about Bangkok... (yes, I know that was over a year ago, wait until I post one about Fiji that's from 2012 ;)

Anyways... as I'm sitting here writing a post about Bangkok I decided to have a beer (it's 1:30pm on a Saturday, I'm working on something I love and I just crafted some sweet sentences so I'm feelin' pretty good)

Now lots of you are probably going "what's the problem with having a beer on a Saturday afternoon?"... but the problem lies when I decide to have another one, then another one and another one... and here's how I justify it... "what's the problem with a sub-zero ice cold beer on a nice, wintery-but-sunny Saturday afternoon, while cozied-up warm inside working on an ongoing passion project?"

I feel good. Happy. I enjoy right now. A lot of good things are happening so I feel like having a beer because I feel good. Right now I'm rested and relaxing while writing this, listening to the husband play guitar and sing. Plus, I like beer... it tastes so good and soon I will be drinking beer (and wine) in France with my husband, bro-in-law and his wife... LIFE IS GOOD.

Partly, or maybe even mostly, this has to do with my change of attitude... Instead of moping, rather, self destructing, I'm allowing myself the freedom to enjoy... to be okay with it... to accept.

Now, let's throw this into the equation... I'm 40 pounds overweight. When I was smaller (size-wise) I wasn't okay with it... if I had a small handful of smarties at the end of a rough day I would NOT be okay with it, I would have "failed". I would be up all night with feelings of regret that could only be erased with an extra half-hour on the treadmill the following day.

The stress I put on myself was not enjoyable, although, I looked damn good. So, I'm either at a changing point in my life or I've just given up. I don't feel I've given up because I say I will do a lot of things in hopes to find balance that isn't tipped over on one side or the other. And in this acceptance I'm hoping to find my own personal beauty in the process. The beauty of the freedom that comes with self-acceptance.

This post turned into an unedited rant... and while I started out on one foot I ended up on the other. But this is why I write, because when I do... I see things. Things are clearer, more obvious to me from an exterior perspective because I read it back to myself over and over... while editing it ;)

REVEALED is a series aimed to expose the truth that we often hide or are too afraid to share. Here I write about my journey through anxiety, depression, addiction, self esteem and body image issues in a series of ongoing short stories based on my real life experiences. Why do I share this? Because I'm not alone in these feelings and it's important for others to know they're not alone either. There is a way out.