For me, right now, it looks like a big, somewhat rough, jagged-edged-with-a-few-sharp-bits boulder that I am chipping away at teeny bit after teeny bit. Sometimes I don’t chip away at any of it. Sometimes I chip away furiously. But here’s what I’m finding out as I go... when I allow it to happen at the pace it is meant to (as opposed to the pace I would rather it be because I want to get it over with), then the chips really do start to fall.
In a good way.
Slowly you are getting closer to becoming your whole self, the caveat being you’re a tad bit scared to be seen… but you’re not, because you have no problem showing yourself to the right people… but en masse? Sharing tidbits of my most vulnerable moments to many in an effort to do my part to help normalize the conversation? Terrifying.
I have been afraid of judgement, of ridicule, of being put down for showing what we are taught to hide… which is exactly why I want to do this. The weight I’ve put on the importance of other people’s opinions of shows up at times, but thankfully, rarely. And when it does? I fight through it because the idea of changing Morgan is no longer an option. It’s exhausting trying to be someone else. I just don’t have time, nor the capacity for it. No más.
I am hopeful that I will shed the barriers I’ve built to hide myself. I know this because I’ve already shed a ton.
I am hopeful I will re-meet myself - which I am doing just by typing this up instead of leaving it buried in my notebook with other interesting sentiments.
I became the person who abandons herself to be liked. To look the part. To fit in. Why? Now I am seeing I was in search of a love that I can only give myself.
All this time and now I am finally learning that I am love.
I don’t need to look for it anymore, it’s right here. It has been this whole time but boy do you have to chip away at some shit to find it. And there’s more to go yet.
I am chipping away at the layers of self doubt and self sabotage towards a freedom of full acceptance, which grants new opportunities… likely the ones I have always dreamed of. I have come miles from where I was but there is always more to go and I will meet each step with grace and an excitement for the opportunity to learn something new.
In the words of Matt Kahn, and one of the many incredible quotes my good friend introduced me to, “whatever arises, love that.”
Okay then.
Let the journey continue with full acceptance of what is.
Onwards!
xomo