Felt the time was right to post something “real” on Facebook, so I wrote a blog post instead (it got too long for FB anyways)… That’s not to say what I share there (FB) isn’t real, but it’s not often I share my straight-up personal thoughts.
For the past little while I have been on a new path, one that has taught me a new way of living. It’s shown me the way to a truly peaceful life. I have learned so much about myself, and my most recent discovery is noticing how I’ve been tangled in a web of fear for many years. Being able to see this now, clearly, (and tell it to go F itself sometimes if necessary), has been seriously awesome.
Here’s an example… The photo of me here was taken two days ago with every intention of posting it right away alongside this thought-that-turned-into-a-full-blown-blog-post (no surprise there)… I don’t often post pictures of me, and I realize now that it was because of fear. So here I am, mid-laugh scrunchy face, snaggle-tooth and all :) It may have taken two days, but I got here (F you fear).
Before, when I may or may not have even known I was very afraid, I just felt scrambled, uncomfortable, lost and scared. But I never asked myself why, I never looked at it deeper. Now that I have, here is where I’ve discovered my fears lie…
fear of rejection
fear of being wrong
fear of saying the wrong thing
fear of acting the wrong way
fear of making mistakes
fear of judgement
fear of upsetting someone
fear of angering someone
fear of not being good enough
fear of not being liked
Now that I can see this clearly and not through muddled waters, it makes sense. I can see where I’ve held back because of fear. What a waste! To not even try because I was too scared!? Not an excuse anymore. In the words of Brene Brown, it’s time to “show up and be seen”.
I’d be lying if I said I have no fear today, we all have fear, but are we going to let it stop us? Are we going to let it win? The difference now is I am (slowly) coming out of the shell I’ve been hiding in, and allowing myself to be seen. It’s. Fucking. Scary. Shit. But by doing it anyways, I’ve proven myself (to myself) and every time I do so my fear diminishes a little bit more.
Today, my biggest fear is the idea of losing the ones I love… they could be taken away at any moment and that scares the hell out of me… But, while it’s good to acknowledge this fear and be aware of it, it’s not good to stay there and worry about the future, because it is not true in this moment.
In this moment, I have people I love in my life, and worrying about what could happen only takes away from the time I could be spending with them and the memories we could be creating.
Love now. Love your family, your friends, your dog, cat or iguana, your rhinoceros, fish, plants, people, the world… Love it all and be grateful… in this moment.
Thank you for reading,
- xomo