Fourteen: Don't Edit

A friend told me today to ‘stop editing’, to stop trying to make myself sound ‘perfect’. And boy did that hit me, because she’s right. Everything I write I end up over-analyzing and I go through it numerous times with a fine tooth comb wondering if it sounds okay, or questioning if I should even share it in the first place. There is a fear inside of me that heavily rests on the opinions of other people, and while their opinions definitely matter, they are not the foundation on which I make my own decisions. (I’m learning this).

The section called REVEALED is supposed to be an honest representation of the messy thoughts I occasionally have darting around my head like Pong on cocaine. And since the latest craze seems to be opening up about your own internal heavy baggage, I’m gonna jump on the bandwagon too. I’ll admit that it feels safe since others are doing it, but that is not why I feel the need to follow suit…

I share these experiences because it feels right, and maybe my words will ring true to another, giving them hope for they will now know they are not alone on this wild ride we call life. Which brings me to my quest… to grow into a person brimming with self-love and enough confidence in herself to not need external validation or reassurance… anymore.

I was told once by someone to ‘sit through the uncomfortable feelings’ but instead, I chose to drown them. I didn’t think it would help. But now, I’m ready. I’m ready to feel and process the feelings… the good, the bad and the ugly ones - I can feel them now.

Writing about what’s going on in my mind helps me untangle the thoughts and gain some clarity, and while I don’t expect people to read this, I’m thankful that you are. If any of this rings true for you too, and you’d like somebody to talk to, holler at me in the comments.

*damnit, I edited*

This is a true test, and a really good one - trying not to edit and over-analyze what I share. To live behind the curtain for various periods of life, trying desperately to mould yourself into anything but yourself, is no way to live. It’s so painful, and while I’m only realizing this in my mid-thirties, at least I’m realizing it. I’m grateful for that and I know what that feels like now! I was being selfish before and it blocked a realistic vision and perception of what is actually happening… not the make-believe I easily fall for in my head. And while I caused a lot of pain while I was so wrapped up in myself and in my own mind, I’m on a mission to mend my wrongdoings and this time, the proof has to be in the pudding, because a girl can only cry wolf so many times…

Thank you for reading.

xomo

PS - I edited. A lot. But while I may have changed certain adjectives, corrected spelling, phrasing or flow throughout, I did not edit the thoughts I originally wanted to share (usually lots of those thoughts get erased because I’m too afraid of what people will think). Am I nervous? Yes. Am I questioning even sharing this at all? Heck yes. So, as hard as this is to share, I’m doing it anyways because I feel very passionate about not only our individual journeys, but our journey together through this one, very short life.

PPS - Another small side effect of un-edited posts? You may get my rants and vents as well… just sayin’ ;)

REVEALED is a series aimed to expose the truth that we often hide or are too embarrassed to share. Here I will write about my journey through anxiety, depression, self esteem and body image issues through a series of ongoing short stories based on real life occurences. Why do I share these intimate details with you? Because this... this is my therapy.