Three: Feeling stupid

This shit runs deep, so deep in fact that sometimes it's hard to tell where fantasy ends and reality begins. You're so good at fabricating scenarios in your mind, that sometimes the way you speak and act reflects the crazy idea that you actually believe what you've made up.

In social situations you act like you know everything in a last ditch effort to appear confident (but really... rich girl snobby is what people see and I'm not even rich).

When asked to give your honest opinion on something, you have to think about it... for a long time, because you're used to going along with what everyone else thinks.

It's embarrassing.

Your opinion is set to automatically take the form of somebody else's, and since you're not able to conjure up enough information to form an educated opinion in the first place, you just go along with what the 'cool' kids think... because you can answer quickly and fool people into believing you know what the hell they're talking about.

But, when you actually have the balls to state your own opinion and not worry about being "wrong", it takes a while because you have to filter through the facts (on the spot) in order to make one, therefore appearing stupid... in your mind.

I'd like to partake in gripping debates about important topics that come up around the dinner table, but oftentimes, I stay quiet. When I decide to participate, I sometimes humiliate myself when I pretend I know what I'm talking about... and I do it out of a fear of looking stupid by having nothing to contribute to the conversation.

Unless we're talking about linguistics, communications or typography however in which case I'll school you bro.

I write this, appropriately, with the fear of appearing stupid... but I'm sharing it anyways because it feels like the right thing to do.

What we battle through individually is always going to sound stupid to some, but it's our truth. We live in a world where we're told that if we don't act a certain way or look a certain way then we're not as valuable as those who do... I have been mind-fucked by this and it's only now, in my thirties, that I'm attempting to do something about it. Sharing these stories and insight into my internal struggles, as stupid as they seem, is truly therapeutic. Thank you for reading.



'From behind the curtain' is a series aimed to expose the truth that we often hide or are too embarrassed to share. Here I will write about my journey(s) through anxiety, depression, self esteem and body image issues. These are some of the struggles I have faced throughout my lifetime and it doesn't feel right to remain quiet about it. Writing and sharing these intimate stories with you... This, is my therapy.