Today I did something I’ve been saying I’d do for a very long time…
You see, I have a tendency to buy ingredients with every intention of making something with them, but I never do. Just ask my husband how long the frozen berries have been in there! And every time we do a freezer clean out, the subject comes up. I throw out a casual “oh yeah, I forgot those were in there! I’ll make smoothies with them” … He replies, “when?”
Well folks, today was that day.
And the moment I pulled out the blender my husband got me maybe 2 or 3 Christmas’ ago (to make smoothies) I was reminded of the reason I may have been avoiding it.
Over the last year or so, every time I had the thought to make a smoothie I remembered the last (and only time) I’ve ever used this blender… to blend up dog food for my dying dog so I could feed him by squirting it into the back of his throat with a plastic syringe while my husband held his mouth open and he wriggled.*
While I remember in extremely vivid detail how horrific this was (and then of course I pile on all the other things that happened over the course of those few weeks last year) it became apparent that this may have been what was holding me back from making smoothies, or using the blender at all, this entire time… there was a pain associated with it that I could not or was not willing to face.
What I did not remember was that I didn’t clean the stand the blender goes in, so there were splashes of dried up liquid dog food on it. I must have stashed it away hoping to forget. The thing is, I never did. These memories and thoughts were always there beneath the surface, and if they ever tried to make an appearance I would push them aside and preoccupy my mind with other thoughts.
Today, when I pulled out that blender, they came back and this time, I let them.
I allowed the pain to be seen, I didn’t resist it like I would before, I stared it right in the face and concentrated fully on it. I acknowledged it, I cried, I felt it - the sadness, the grief, the loss, the anger, the sharp pain I tried to bury deep inside.
Then eventually, the tears eased and I proceeded to clean the blender. It felt oddly satisfying for some reason and I continued to make a smoothie and it was delicious… Those 2 year old frozen berries were excellent!
SOME THOUGHTS
I truly believe that our pain will continue to resurface until we are ready to do something about it. Whether that means acknowledging that it’s there, getting closure on a situation, letting go of things we cannot control or finding acceptance in something, it will always come back. And the truth is we are causing ourselves even more pain by resisting it.
But, if we can muster up the courage to acknowledge it’s existence, allowing the pain to run through us so we can truly feel it and whatever emotions come out as a result, we will eventually reach a place of acceptance. This will help us feel lighter because we’re not being weighed down as much with the pain and the fear associated with feeling pain… this is why it’s so damn hard to face pain because it hurts! But we have to feel it to heal it, I truly believe this and when we do we have conquered our fear of pain just a little bit more, and for our bravery we are awarded more peace.
I only write from my own experience, but I don’t believe this is to be a one time process. It will be ongoing depending on how deep the wound is, but it will get easier and easier each time we find the strength to face it. These pains we hold on to and try to hide, the ones we are too afraid to face because it hurts SO BAD, they will come back time and time again… the challenge though is to not resist them. Embrace them fully, see the pain, feel the raw, real emotions that it exudes through you and eventually the pain will become less and less because every time you face the fear of feeling the pain, the next time that fear comes along you’re already prepared… you’ve faced it before and you were okay, so you know you can do it again.
Thank you for reading,
xomo
*I thought about editing this part as it sounds quite harsh, but it was real, this is how it was. When I was writing this, those words flowed out of me fast and fiercely, I felt angry. I know they needed to come out which is why I left it unedited, because I believe things like this to be part of my healing process and those words represent the anger I felt. Sharing them I feel is a way of releasing them, therefore becoming free of some of the anger I was holding on to, but by masking them, making it seem “nicer” in whatever way wouldn’t be freeing because it’s not really true. We can’t fake our feelings so why hide them? Thank you for reading, again :)