A mind like white noise + a bit on self doubt

Do you ever feel like you're hanging in limbo? You know, that place between heaven and hell, or in this case that place where everything seems fuzzy? And I don't mean fuzzy as in the warm kind - I'm talking confused, lost and uncertain. Your vision of the path ahead becomes foggy, and things seem far from crystal clear.

Yeah, that's me right now. And even though I knew where I needed to go only a few short days ago, today I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's a bout of self-doubt, because I've been sure of my next step for a while. But now, I feel like like I'm waiting for someone to give me the green light, to tell me that it's safe, that I'll be okay, and reassure me that I'm headed in the right direction.

So here I am... Restless, anxious and impatiently waiting for the light to turn green. But what if it never turns green? Am I just going to keep waiting?

Maybe I just need to go. Even though the road's not clear, I'm confused and can't see ahead, sometimes you just need to push forwards and fight through the fog to get to a place where you can say "yes, I made the right decision"... Right?

So many questions. So many "what if's".

My mind is foggy. I don't like this anxious feeling that comes as a result of being unsettled. I need to be sure of my next step at all times, because when you're lost, that's when they'll get you. They, as in your opponent, or even your own mind. You'll start convincing yourself that maybe you can't, maybe you're not good enough, or maybe you should just give up. And that's where I am right now, at a complete halt.

UPDATE: The day after I wrote this, I had a conversation with my husband. (In fact, it may have even been the same evening!) It was short and sweet, but it reinforced my decision and reminded me that I was definitely headed in the right direction. We even put a game plan together in order for me to get to where I want to be, and the fog instantly lifted.

Having people who support you is crucial, especially in moments like this where you just want to throw your hands in the air and say "fuck it". A single person has the ability to point us in the right direction when we lose our way, and remind us why we decided to do this in the first place.

I know what it's like to experience self-doubt. And, the longer it goes on, sometimes it can be difficult to ignore and you'll actually start listening to the negative voice in your head. And once you start believing that lil' jerk, it's not easy to train your mind to think otherwise. Talk to friends, talk to family, don't be embarrassed. It's completely okay to need a reminder every now and then, especially when venturing somewhere unfamiliar and unknown!

- xomo

From fit to fat to fit again... the journey begins

Sooo... I used to be kinda fit. Like, super healthy fit. I ate really well, worked out and had a confident glow. Now, I'm kinda fat. Not to the point where I need my own show on TLC, but to the point where I can barely squeeze into my old-old jeans (meaning the ones I was supposed to donate because they were too big for me). Yeah. It's a problem.

My husband and I travel a lot and whenever we do, I always indulge in whatever I want because hey, I'm on vacation. The problem though, is that whenever we return home my mind remains in vacation mode. I'll continue to indulge in food and drink simply because, why not? It usually takes a few weeks to get back into the routine of working out and cooking healthy, but since we returned from our honeymoon last June, I haven't really bounced back.

I continually tell myself "enough is enough", but I'm also really good at convincing myself "I'll start tomorrow" or "next week"...usually once I've polished off a delicious croissant breakfast sandwich from Starbucks at my desk. Yeah, right. Then, because clearly I've already failed at eating healthy for that day (it's only 9am by the time I decide this), I use it as an excuse to eat more crap.

Note: I'd like to mention that this isn't my everyday routine. But there were a few times late last year when this happened quite often. What else was going on in my life at that time, you ask? Doesn't matter. No matter how busy or stressed you become, it's no excuse to eat this poorly. As a result, I was miserable, had less money from eating out and am now overflowing in my not-so-skinny jeans.

I wrote this post a while ago when I finally overcame my laziness and was proud of my one time (which actually did turn into a one week) accomplishment. But I treat the holidays the same way - a time to indulge in whatever I want. And since Christmas has now come and gone, it's time to do something about it.

So, in hopes that I don't lie to myself yet again, I'm going public. I will blog about this journey, and as one who's always struggled with food, I call it a journey. Some don't get it, but some do. And for those that do, thank you.

- xomo

PS - If you don't see any updates it means I'm still sleeping in and eating terribly. Feel free to contact me here and give me a kick in the ass :)
 

Finding balance + a new take on the bucket list

Looking back on 2015 I can honestly say I don't know where it's gone. It's like you wake up to a fresh new year, excited for what's to come and ready to take on the next 365 days with vigor, then all of a sudden, it's December and you're sitting here, like me, right now, wondering where the time went.

With January comes "new year resolutions", or in other words a poor excuse for a do-over... "okay so I slacked off this year so I may as well try again next year". It's the time where we dream big and set goals, complete with a strong sense of determination to meet those goals and make those dreams happen.

But by the time December rolls around, and boy does it come quick, we start gauging the success of our year based on what we set out to accomplish 12 short months ago.

Did you get that promotion? Did you go skydiving? Did you take that vacation you've been dreaming of? Did you lose ten pounds?

And if we didn't reach any of these goals, we get all pissed off, then lie to ourselves by saying we'll make it happen next year.

While there is a difference between new year's resolutions (goals) and a bucket list (dreams), both are developed the same way - by keeping a list of what we "have to do" this year, or in our lifetime.

But, what we're really doing is setting ourselves up for failure. Because with every goal set, there's always the chance that it may not happen. Sure, if you're determined enough and you set realistic goals then you'll probably have no problem reaching them, but if you don't (even for reasons beyond our control) we'll still beat ourselves up for it.

I'm a big fan of the bucket list and have an ever-growing one myself. But a video I saw recently, that you can watch here, has inspired me to look at things a bit differently. Instead of filling up an imaginary bucket with things you "have to do", start with an empty bucket and fill it up with moments throughout each day that made you happy. This, come December, will help you be grateful for what did happen instead of regretful for what didn't.

2015 went by in a flash because I was behind the desk for most of it. So, going into 2016 I have only one goal. To find balance. Balance between work and play. Continuing to work hard, but making necessary time for myself, friends and family, and appreciating life's moments no matter how big or how small. And even when stress hits, having a full bucket will remind us that every little sliver of life is entirely worthwhile.

- xomo
 

So I did something today... and it felt awesome

I did something today. It required moving. Moving as in running. Something I haven't done in a very, very long time. So long in fact that I'm practically starting over, which is discouraging in itself as I'm sitting on the cusp of either buying larger sized jeans or doing something about it so I can fit into my existing ones without secretly having to undo the top button (uh-huh, you know it's true).

Leading up to my wedding almost a year and a half ago, my friend Tara, who was also one of my gorgeous bridesmaids, and I would hit the gym every morning at 6:00 am like clockwork. There were no ifs, ands or buts about it. We were there, Monday to Friday, sprinting, spinning and cross-fitting our butts off. We did crazy things at ungodly hours. We even ran our first Spartan race the week before my wedding. I guess you could say we were motivated.

Today, just over a year later, my workouts have been replaced with staring at my computer screen for far too long, eating fast food and drinking far, far too much wine - which I may or may not give up yet, I'm a bit undecided.

I started to wonder if the saying is true and that you DO begin to let yourself go once you're married?! And of course not on purpose, but subconsciously you kind of stop giving a shit. Coming up with a thousand excuses - some of them true, most of them not. I had once felt the healthiest I've ever been and now, I was at my unhealthiest.

So, this morning marked a turning point. A first step in the right direction you could say - not in the other direction where I could continue to snowball into an unhealthy lump of misery, eventually buying maternity pants for their wonderful, expanding elastic waistlines that could accommodate my food baby belly.

Here's how it went down:
05:10:00 - I'm awake. Why do I always get up before my alarm goes off. Why can't I just "sleep through it" like other people.
05:10:16 - Reach for phone, turn off alarm, go back to sleep.
05:11:00 - This duvet is so awesome, I'm so glad my mother-in-law made us buy it. Thank you mother-in-law. Thank you IKEA.
05:11:20 - No, get up. Get up get up get up get up, you have to. Think of how grumpy you'll be if you don't.
05:11:47 - But it's so warm, I could sleep for another hour and a half. That's a significant amount of sleeping time.
05:12:00 - Warm duvet. Happy, happy, warm duvet.
05:12:18 - You've been putting this off for too long and have a beach vacation coming up.
05:12:32 - This is the epitome of comfort, maybe I'll just open my eyes and try really really hard to keep them open.
05:12:55 - ...  ...  ...
05:13:40 - I can do this, I'm awake. Look, my eyes are open. That means I'm awake.
05:13:53 - I proceed to recite every personal power phrase I know.
05:14:30 - Light stretch (aka pretending to get out of bed)
05:15:00 - I should be up, this is when my alarm would have gone off.
05:15:13 - Looks at phone. It's December 1st. F***. What better day to start than on the 1st of a month. Why does today have to be the 1st...
05:15:35 - You told yourself October, then November, then thought a juice cleanse would help get you back on track. Just do it already!
05:16:00 - Fine. Bye happiness...
05:17:30 - Text Tara.. "I'm up."
05:26:00 - Tara.. "Holy shit."

This happens every. single. morning. But today, I actually listened to my thoughts instead of ignoring them in favour of another hour and a half of sleep. And here's a trick to remember... Once you've conquered the getting-your-ass-out-of-bed battle of Somerside Way, do everything you can to not think. Because the more you think about what you're about to do, the more you dread it. No one gets up at 5:15 am every morning who is EXCITED to sprint, spin or do a hundred and one burpee tuck jumps. No. One.

Oh, and one more thing. I know I'm no star performer when it comes to hitting the gym on a regular basis. Let alone embodying any ounce of discipline or will power. But I do know this - when you're running and Pharrell comes on singing about how bloody happy he is, it's okay to hate him and even swear out loud. Because exercise is torture. But the feeling is blissful.

- xomo

Things to consider when trying a juice cleanse

So I decided to try a juice cleanse. Here's how it went...

Basically, it didn't.

Every year around September the design team where I work, myself included, heads into the busiest three month stretch of the year as we prepare for the production of our annual magazine.

Sure, you think it's no big deal and you can still maintain a healthy lifestyle while writing about the latest wedding trends until 2am on a Friday. You tell yourself, "I'll just make sure I prepare all my meals ahead of time". Oh, no. Hell no.

After three years of producing said magazine, one where we pulled a 35-hour stretch and submitted the final page just in the nick of time, I should know better.

There is no way I am able to come home after back-to-back 12 hour days, weekends included, and cook. Let alone function on any basic human level (at this point I'd like to say thank you to my husband for putting up with my zombie-like hotness and apologize to my friends who don't hate me after all my blunt and bitchy replies to their "wanna get together?" text messages).

But that aside, for some reason I thought it would be a great time to try a juice cleanse. So, if you're considering trying one too, here are my suggestions:

Make Time For It

After my rant above this should be a no-brainer. These things take time. And I mean longer-than-it-takes-to-heat-up-some-KD type time, or whatever delicious meals you typically cook for yourself.

I thought that since I have to feed myself anyways, I could just prep these juices/meals instead and it would pretty much balance out. Well, I was forgetting one thing - that I was currently surviving on a fast food diet where other people are making the food because I didn't have time to do so. So that should have been an obvious "hey maybe you should do this another time" red flag. But seriously, make sure you have no other commitments and that you clear your schedule. There can be no fun had, you must make juice.

Don't Buy Everything You Need At Once

I thought I'd save myself some time and buy everything on the shopping list for the cleanse I was trying (it's called Reboot with Joe for those who are interested). I loved that they included a complete shopping list, so, without reading the recipes first, I went and bought everything I supposedly needed for the first five days. I will always remember the look on my husband's face as I continually filled our cart with ingredients such as 5 bunches of chard, 35 apples, 8 cucumbers and about 18 bunches of kale just to name a few.

What I later found out, was that the portions were MASSIVE. I couldn't possibly consume everything I was supposed to in one day - which is great compared to some cleanses I've tried where you're practically starving. But the result was that a lot of my ingredients went bad before I could eat them. So my advice here is to purchase only what you need for a few days at a time, not five.

If You Don't Like Something On The List, Don't Buy It

Just because everything is laid out for you of exactly what you have to eat on which days, it doesn't mean you actually have to eat it. I ended up buying ingredients I've never, ever enjoyed just because I thought I had to stick to it verbatim. I'm not suggesting to supplement your meals with a Big Mac, but if you don't like something, then choose another meal from the plan and eat/drink that instead. Otherwise, those ingredients will just go to waste no matter how much your fear factor brain thinks you can handle it... Says the mushrooms still sitting in my fridge.

Buddy Up

So you want to do a cleanse? Convince a friend to do it with you. They always say the buddy system works great and it does. Especially when it's something challenging or involves eating something you don't particularly enjoy, at least you are doing it together. Plus, as long as they are as (or more) motivated than you, they will help keep you accountable.

Make Sure You Really, Really Want To Do This

Commitment, people. This shit takes 100% full-time commitment. Of which I lost after about 3 out of the 15 days. For multiple reasons - one being that I was still insanely busy when I thought I might have some downtime. But mostly for the fact that I didn't want it bad enough. Did I want to feel healthy again? Sure. But I couldn't commit to it at the time. Plus, day 3, a Saturday, was extra difficult since it was my first weekend off in a while. So yes, you could say I'd rather be sipping wine with friends than some celery-rutabaga-carrot-cabbage combination. And if you thought that sounded delicious then leave me a comment below because you're now my buddy for the next time I decide to try this.

So there you have it, my experience with a juice cleanse was utterly non-existent. But what I did learn from only a few days will come in valuable the next time I decide to take on the juicing challenge. And I hope it will for you, too.

Have you ever tried a juice cleanse? If so, which one? What was your experience like? Leave me your comments below!

- xomo