Do you ever feel like you're hanging in limbo? You know, that place between heaven and hell, or in this case that place where everything seems fuzzy? And I don't mean fuzzy as in the warm kind - I'm talking confused, lost and uncertain. Your vision of the path ahead becomes foggy, and things seem far from crystal clear.
Yeah, that's me right now. And even though I knew where I needed to go only a few short days ago, today I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's a bout of self-doubt, because I've been sure of my next step for a while. But now, I feel like like I'm waiting for someone to give me the green light, to tell me that it's safe, that I'll be okay, and reassure me that I'm headed in the right direction.
So here I am... Restless, anxious and impatiently waiting for the light to turn green. But what if it never turns green? Am I just going to keep waiting?
Maybe I just need to go. Even though the road's not clear, I'm confused and can't see ahead, sometimes you just need to push forwards and fight through the fog to get to a place where you can say "yes, I made the right decision"... Right?
So many questions. So many "what if's".
My mind is foggy. I don't like this anxious feeling that comes as a result of being unsettled. I need to be sure of my next step at all times, because when you're lost, that's when they'll get you. They, as in your opponent, or even your own mind. You'll start convincing yourself that maybe you can't, maybe you're not good enough, or maybe you should just give up. And that's where I am right now, at a complete halt.
UPDATE: The day after I wrote this, I had a conversation with my husband. (In fact, it may have even been the same evening!) It was short and sweet, but it reinforced my decision and reminded me that I was definitely headed in the right direction. We even put a game plan together in order for me to get to where I want to be, and the fog instantly lifted.
Having people who support you is crucial, especially in moments like this where you just want to throw your hands in the air and say "fuck it". A single person has the ability to point us in the right direction when we lose our way, and remind us why we decided to do this in the first place.
I know what it's like to experience self-doubt. And, the longer it goes on, sometimes it can be difficult to ignore and you'll actually start listening to the negative voice in your head. And once you start believing that lil' jerk, it's not easy to train your mind to think otherwise. Talk to friends, talk to family, don't be embarrassed. It's completely okay to need a reminder every now and then, especially when venturing somewhere unfamiliar and unknown!